It has been awful quiet around this blog since Lent ended. My heart has been at rest, and I am finding peace in the quiet. This blog is my space and sometimes anxiety wants to rise up and tell me I should write more. It wants me to have a quota. It wants me to feel like I am not enough in the quiet. But inking my heart one time a week does not measure my worth and tell me I am lesser than on the weeks when I post three times. So I take back my freedom to ink my heart as the Lord leads and to rest in the quiet.
When I was praying about this tonight I asked, "Why have You not given me words to write lately? Where did this desire to create art with my words and my passion to share my heart go these past few weeks?
And in the quiet I heard: Just ink your heart.
Whoops! I forgot. That is the point of this space isn't it. So I am doing some reflecting tonight and I thought I would share some things on my heart.
1. Time: Have you ever wondered how God hears everyone's prayers when there are thousands of people lifting up prayer requests at any given moment of time? I'm reading Beyond Personality by C.S. Lewis and his word picture on this topic is one I can't stop thinking about. If we were to document our life we would create a timeline with several dots each representing a period of time in our lives. A leads to B then C happens and D can't come before C and so on. We travel along this straight line, but God is the whole page. He fits nowhere on the timeline. He is timeless.
"God, from above or outside or all round, contains the whole line, and sees it all."
"You cannot fit Christ's earthly life in Palestine into any time-relations with His life as God beyond all space and time."
I don't know why this concept fascinates me, but it does. Just believing for sure that He was there from my beginning and will be there in my end is a comfort to me in a world full of uncertainties.
2. Tweens: I had a house full of them this weekend. I have watched these girls grow out of diapers and into tweenhood. It was such a pleasure to have them all together in my home. I LOVE THIS AGE! Sometimes when I get insecure going into new work environments I think to myself, "Just put me in a room full of Jr. Highers and I will be okay. That is where I feel most comfortable." My heart was full having them around, and I was reminded of how thankful I am for their mothers and my friendships with them and other women that I call friends. Our daughters watch us interact as friends. And as we love and respect each other as friends before our girls, they are learning to do the same. I saw that when they were all together, and I am so proud of each and everyone of them!
3. Insecurity: I have had this work project to work on. It was designed around my strengths and I appreciate that, but it didn't make it any easier. When people put their confidence in me my fears tend to become magnified. What if I fail? What if I disappoint? What if it is not good enough? Because if it is not good enough then I will not be good enough. Feeling like I am "good enough" is a battle that I fight from time to time. Those battles come when I lose sight of Christ's perspective of me and His promises. So eventually I remembered to pray about this project. I handed it over to Him, decided to walk in the strengths and gifting He has given me. The project became less about me and more about walking forward in faith, in His strength not mine. Confession: the project was about teaching kids how to write a story. Yes, me, a writer, feeling inadequate for the job. It is silly, I know. But I am good now! The project is started (that was half the battle) and I found so much freedom in the creativity of it.
I think I will end here, but there is more on my heart and in my head. I have been getting lost in thought a lot lately while driving and consequently have missed turns and exits and have found myself literally lost in the town I live in.
My son says I think too much. He is right.
My daughter gets frustrated because I don't always answer her questions. I can't always hear her over my own voice in my head.
Maybe releasing some of the noise inside into the quiet of this blog will help.
Thanks for listening!