It started Saturday. I don't remember how it started or what sparked the frantic search in His word for who He says I am, but I remember searching and then giving up the search.
There are lots of scriptures about who God says I am to Him. I have read them all before. I have written them down in ink, I thought I had written them upon my heart. But on Saturday I came up empty.
God chose not to speak to me through His Word that day.
Instead, He chose to lean in close and whisper in my ear later that evening. I was sitting in front of a mock body wrapped in linens in a mock tomb. Songs were sung there at that candLelit vigil in remembrance of Jesus' death the Good Friday before.
And when He leaned in or maybe I leaned in first, I don't know, He said, "You have been searching for My words to find your value today. But I want you to look at My actions. I died for you. You, Rachael, are worthy enough to die for. And that is why I lie here in this tomb. Because I think you are worthy."
I was struggling because I was trying to fit my worth into the actions of people around me. How they treated me. What they said or didn't say.
In doing so, I was feeling devalued, unworthy.
His actions toward me were all that really mattered.
Perspective change! I LOVE THOSE!
Christ loves me. I have tried to follow His example and love others, too.
But His love is perfect. My love is not.
His love for me cost Him His life.
When I love others it might cost me something, too. I am learning this the hard way.
I wince at the slightest bit of pain or even in the anticipation of it. So when the hurt comes from loving others, my world gets rocked a bit.
On Sunday afternoon I shared my heart's struggles with my husband.
"Why do I always have this struggle?" I asked.
Holding me he said, "Because you have opened up your heart to people in your life and online. If you are going to do that, you need to be more resilient," he said. "You can't worry about what people think of you. As long as you are being obedient to the Lord in all that you do, then you have nothing to worry about."
"Then squeeze all the worry out of me!" I said being held tightly.
"How about I pray for you?" And so he did.
He was right, you know. All my struggles were not necessarily squeezed right out of me, but that truth was squeezed right into my heart and my mind and brought about an amazing freedom. This weekend I needed a Savior willing to die on that cross whose actions screamed "You are worthy." I needed to hear that still, small voice in the tomb of my own prison. And God knew I needed my husband to confirm these truths in my heart and my head through the strength of his words and his arms around me.
Am I alone in these struggles, bloggers and friends? Don't we all need our Savior everyday, every time we push "publish" or love others? Does that still, small voice calm your fears when you have laid your heart bare, too?
It is what God has called us to do.
If I continued to live in my fears, you would not be reading this post. And I would not be encouraged by yours.
Have a great week as your hearts continue to celebrate the message of the cross of Christ!
"Oh come, let us worship and bow down; let us kneel before the Lord our Maker. For He is our God, and we are the people of His pasture, and the sheep of His hand." Psalm 95:6-7