And that was when my husband grabbed me in the kitchen, not knowing what was going on inside, but seeing the ugly manifestations of it in our life, and held me so I couldn't get free. I was irritated even more and in my frustration I blurted out all reasons why I don't have time for this! I don't have time to stop and receive a hug and I was convinced I didn't even have one to give. I just wanted to be let go of.
"But this is the only way I can get you to stop."
Another comment he made to me recently swirled around in my head. It was 9 P.M. a few nights ago and I was still mopping. He was sitting playing his guitar, but then it stopped. As I passed by the room I looked at him and noticed he was watching me. I asked him why?
"I'm just watching you spin," he said.
I was spinning again this morning. That is why I needed a list. With a cup of hot tea, a piece of paper and my books close by I used my pen like a broom and swept up the mess in my mind. On my list are things like: stop, shower, cookies, clean, laundry, Christmas cards etc. Stop, I needed to STOP. Nothing else on the list mattered more!
It was good. I don't know how long I stopped, but I did. My tea cup was emptied, my mind was swept clean, but my heart received rest. I haven't opened my gratitude journal yet but when I do I will probably write something like "to stop," "to be held captive in his arms" and/or "today's to-do list".
Next on the to-do list: a shower! It's almost noon and I am just getting started. But that is okay. . . I needed a restart. I won't get everything on my list crossed off and that is okay too. I think I will add to it anyway. I'm adding a hug!