This past year all three of my kids have made major transitions in their lives and this momma's heart has been filling up with so many words I have not been able to sort out and make any sense of.
Henri Nouwen helped me make some sort of sense out of my inner life lately when I read these words:
Writing is a process in which we discover what lives in us. The writing itself reveals to us what is alive in us....To write is to embark on a journey of which we do not know the final destination. Thus, writing requires a great act of trust. We have to say to ourselves, 'I do not yet know what I carry in my heart, but I trust that it will emerge as I write.'
The last post was written after we dropped our youngest daughter off for her first year of college. She is now back home for the summer. The picture above is the mother-son dance at my son's wedding and in the last few weeks my middle daughter graduated from college. Those are all big events!
In this mothering journey the beginning, middle and end are so ambiguous. And I don't know where I am in it. Its all of the above and that path is a difficult one to navigate in my own heart.
I remember the very very beginning, the days, weeks and months after having my son. He was born on Christmas day and because of that he has always been God's metaphor to me that my children are gifts. But not just gifts to me, but gifts to the world, to others, each with their own God appointed purposes over their lives.
So in those very early days of holding and rocking I remember consciously beginning that process of letting go. I knew early on that I had to start letting go of my children. The process of letting go can't begin when they turn 18, it's too late.
Over the years every time I have been on my knees before God it has been in surrender. Surrendering my control, my fears, my desires, my disappointments, my hopes and dreams. And All OF IT was wrapped up in my mother's heart for my kids.
As mother's we wrestle with God for our children. I remember thinking after I walked down that aisle with my son that I walked down that aisle with a limp. And it was the most blessed and holy moment to experience this one desire of my heart come to pass.
In all this the one word I have been deeply in touch with is THANKFUL. I am deeply thankful for the community of people we have allowed into our lives on this parenting journey. It is so easy to isolate, to fear infiltration of other's values or beliefs that might be different from our own core family values. The truth is everyone has their opinions, run their families a little differently, and make choices we would not have made for our children. We have allowed our children to see all this, we have talked them through scenarios that confuse them or cause them to question, yet those same friends and families have also spoken truth into their hearts, shared their wisdom and their time and most of all their lives with our children. This doing life together has made all the difference. Finding community and living within it imperfectly has made all the difference.
My role as a mother has shifted and I think that gradual transition has finally caught up to me. The realization that my children are no longer a large part of my daily life is just plain strange. The truth is my role in their lives is no less important as it was when they were younger, but their role in my life is so different. All of a sudden this realization is hitting me.
It's good.
It's hard.
It's right.
It's empty. But not in a bad way. I am not quite sure I have found all the words yet. But I am settling into this new season of beginnings and endings knowing that God is right there in the middle of it all.
I'll end with some final words from Henri Nouwen:
Writing became the way to stay in touch with the faithfulness of God in the midst of a chaotic existence.
I pray you experience the faithfulness of God wherever you on your journey.
Blessings,
Rachael